Yes I have a heart

Contrary to sometimes seemingly popular belief....... I am sensitive. I am easily hurt, though what you have to do to hurt me is very difficult. I feel so overwhelmed right now in this moment in regards to the topic of love. Loving people, loving yourself, loving God, knowing God loves you, how He loves you.....just lots of things about love.

I don't usually realize how strongly I feel about something until I get really talking about it. Then I realize how much I believe it, or how much it means to me, or realize that I think its ludicrous. Well last night I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and we got talking about how people view God. How He is viewed as judgmental, mean, aggressive, and for the most part, evil. How people talk about Him like He allows things to go wrong, or specifically causes natural disasters to happen as a form of justice to nations that don't accept him, or to punish people for their wickedness, or whatever! I started talking about it and was almost brought to tears, and probably would've started crying if my friend didn't jump in right then and start agreeing with me and taking the reigns of the conversation for a moment. It was in that moment that I realized how much Gods love means to me, and how grieved I am when I hear things like "Oh well God got me into this, He can get me out", or "I know God made all this stuff happen, so I just need to find out what He's trying to teach me through all of this."...........and I am brought to tears knowing that this is the God people think they are worshiping. That this is the God who created all things, that this is the God who LOVES us....... I don't know how Parents of all people can think this about God.

I have a nephew. I love him with all of my heart as I have never felt love for a human being before. I didn't have to generate emotions and Love for him, It was as if it filled me the moment that I laid eyes on him. I would do anything for that little boy. I would sacrifice my life for him, live my life for him, if his parents died and needed someone to raise him I'd be in line. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that little boy. So I have to ask myself, if there is no limit to what I would do for him, why do we think there is a limit to what God will do for us? God, who Loves us as His children, God who created us to be like Him, God who brought life to us because to know we existed would bring Him joy...... How can we think so little of someone who loves beyond our comprehension? He has given us literally everything that we could possibly ever need, want, desire, or hope for. He has given us a world that is ours to make of it what we will, He has even blessed us with Dreams and Hopes, and given us the tools to achieve them. He wants us to achieve them! To see the joy on our faces and know that we are truly happy! He wants that for us. He Loves Us.

I've been thinking a lot about love, about what it is, how to apply it, is it loving to say this or do this.....sometimes I don't even know and I just have to go with what I believe. I know that I deeply love very few people, but those people I truly invest all I am in. I can't not. If you aren't willing to sow part of that which you are into someone, why are you willing to talk to them at all? Yes I know that sounds drastic, and I don't mean that for all things....... But there are people who you know are not going to be in your life long, or who you know aren't really your type of person. So yes, Its nice to meet them, experience I different point of view.......but those people who you plan on truly having in your life, why would you not invest in them? Invest all that you have, all that you can be, because it is God who is constantly filling you to overflowing anyways. You aren't going to run out of ability to invest in people! God will always replenish you. Always....... So why don't you love someone? What holds you back? Ask yourself these questions. Fear of being hurt is usually the answer..... But something i've realized and personally believe, is that when it comes to love, theres ultimately never a No. Yes someone might hurt you, they might reject you......But love can press on. Love overcomes. Love is the teddy bear constantly asking you if you want a hug, and you constantly saying no. Until you fall and realize that the Bear is still there, still has open arms, and you finally realize that you didn't have to fall to be embraced by love. Your fall is the realization that you didn't have to be at the end of your road to accept that which is before you. So I personally believe that love doesn't fail, it might be rejected, but it perseveres.

Obviously there are times when this is not the right approach. IF you love someone and all they do is abuse you, well you should probably just punch that person in the face and leave them alone. But being told No is not an answer to me any longer. Jesus didn't accept it when I told Him no. He didn't butt into my business, He respected my wishes, but He never left me, or abandoned me when I called out and needed Him. He was there when I was ready to receive Him. Does rejection hurt? Of course it does, but the question I've started to ask myself is, Can I live with not knowing? Will you live a life of what if's? A life wondering what could of happened? I finally accepted that I won't live that life. That is not what I want for myself, thats not what anyone should ever do. You should never settle for less, you should always strive for more Believe me, I would rather strive for more, than settle for less. Be content yes, but Don't think that what you have is all that you're expected to achieve? Always press on, go forward, if you are put down, stand back up. Know that in every situation, You Are Enough. You will always Be Enough and have always Been Enough. God in you gives you that power.

I don't really answer questions lol, but merely bring up all sorts of new ones I feel. But that's okay, because I know that no matter what Love will pull you through, and that saying No to love, simply does not work.

Well I don't want it!

Its been one of those weeks......Actually so far since I've been un-employed most of this year, its been one of those years (That will, have no doubt, change for the better). Its been rough. This week in particular. But thats kinda to be expected. I'm able to focus on my thoughts and such for far too long when I don't have anything to do really. When I had soccer practice 2 or 3 times a week It wasn't a big deal. I had a physical outlet, and honestly just something to do. But now......Now I have a job. As always I'm nervous whenever I start a job, especially since I haven't done a high volume kitchen like this one before. However, I have supreme confidence in my capability to adapt to whatever comes my way, and to be very good at my job.

Which gets me all fired up about something someone said last week......I was called arrogant and self righteous......Obviously you just don't know my heart very well if you're gonna say those things. One should probably know the definition of both of those words before using them Arrogant: having or showing an exaggerated opinion of one's own importance, merit, ability, etc;

And then we have self righteous: confident of one's own righteousness, especially when smugly moralistic and intolerant of

the opinions and behavior of others.

So for starters, for one to be Arrogant you have to Exaggerate ones capabilities. I don't exaggerate my capabilities. If I say I can do something, I can do it. Yeah, I might be a bit cocky about it, a bit proud. I'm great at cooking, I can play guitar ok, and I'm generally very good at soccer. I don't proclaim to be the best at it, but I'm better than almost everyone else, and I'm not afraid to say so. This is confidence, Confidence in my abilities. Confident that if I'm asked to perform a task involving one of these things I will be able to do it, and usually exceed expectation. Now If I start talking about what I bad ass bowler I am, how utterly ripped I am, or that I can perform magic, you can call me arrogant, because I am not any of those things. That would be exaggerating my abilities.

And to call me self righteous............I don't even think I can use the word Righteous in a sentence anymore. To still dwell on something as whether or not you're righteous seems so small and insignificant as to almost be beyond fathoming to me. And to say I'm intolerant of others opinions.......well lemme just say if you knew how not true that was, you'd be embarrassed. I'm not even positive I'm right about what I believe, but its working for me, and who are you to say that its not? or that its wrong? You can't, and I wouldn't bother listening even if you thought it was your place.

Okay, now that I got all of that off my chest and out of my system....Yesterday was V-day. I love valentines day. I love romance, and feeling sappy, and showing someone that you care for them. I know people hate on the day, everyday should be valentines day, etc.... Well then everyday should be Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and 4th of July! I mean really. Its a day that we have made special, just like all the other days. You should celebrate Jesus birth everyday, Be thankful everyday, and remember your freedom every day too. But you don't hear people whine and complain and hate on those holidays. Well you do a bit at christmas, but don't get me started on that. You don't wanna hear it hahahaha oi vey. Anyways, I love valentines day, and love that we have a holiday that we celebrate that someone special to us.

However, as a single person, its hard to get into the spirit for it a lot of the times. We don't really have anyone to share it with like others do. We don't get presents, chocolate in the shape of a heart, roses, kisses, or someone to share our day with....... I always just celebrate love on V-day since I'm not in a relationship, celebrate what love does to our hearts, how it works, how it moves us to do the craziest things, and holds us fast in the fiercest of storms. I love love. Anyone who knows my heart knows how much I say that, and how true it is. Its my favorite thing on earth. Love, in all of its aspects.

But having all that love welled up in my heart makes it just ache, which is when I do what God has told me to do. Cast my cares upon Him right? So I do just that, I ask the Spirit to come and take my heart, my emotions, all of my love that I've stored up for that person, and to take it. I know He will give it back when the time is right, but Its honestly just way too much for me to bear. Its literally like holding a hot potato. Someone throws you one, and you can only hold it for so long before it burns you......I have to give it up before it burns me.

So I do that. I give all of this love, and emotion, this angst and burning desire to not be alone, I give it to you Spirit. To take and store and remove from me until the time is right. Cause literally, I don't want it. I can't hold it, I can't do anything with it, and keeping it bottled up is destroying me inside. So I give it to you, do with it whatever you want. *smiles* I know I will always have more where that came from.... Amen

Cuts Deep

Ever have one of those moments where your heart totally stops? Where the whole world literally stops spinning because for one second your world is completely focused? Focused on one thing, one object, one entity. Yeah well that happened tonight, and its all the agony that one could ever ask for, especially when it hurts someone that you love very deeply.

Had one of my exes start dating one of my current friends exes. Admittedly, we barely dated if you can even call it that, but she was literally the first girl that I ever had really strong feelings for, and visa versa for my friend. Well they started dating a long time ago, broke up, and then recently got back together.... Not a big deal right?

Well it wouldn't be a big deal..........if they hadn't wound up walking into the movie theater we were in..... Emotions and feelings that I haven't felt in forever welled up inside me. Seeing her face again, its just like.......wow. Then I look over at my friend, who Is very dear to me, and see that she's in complete agony seeing Him again. She has the same reaction to seeing him, as I have seeing her.

Then at that point the whole world seems to stop. Here you are, torn every which way. On one hand you're dealing with romantic emotions because you're seeing your ex, on the other hand you are feeling genuine unconditional love for your friend who is also hurting, then you are feeling anger at the fact that this is even happening...........and then you do what your spirit tells you to do, and has trained you to do for a very long time.

You let it go.

You don't hold it, because it is not yours to hold. They aren't your emotions any longer. You let those emotions, and those people go a long time ago. Picking them back up is not progressing forward. It is not acting in Love as God Loves us. Its not love at all. Its being selfish. You want to feel wronged, oppressed, hurt, and grieved. You want to have righteous anger for being wronged..... But did Jesus do that?

Did Jesus when He was wrongfully accused act out against His aggressors? Did He react with Righteous anger? Did He smite down those responsible for His pain and suffering? No........He gave the most significant forgiveness that I think is in the scriptures. After He had been beaten, whipped, disgraced, stabbed, and hung by His hands and feet as an example to those who would dare challenge the Religious mindset of the present day, He looked towards the heavens and said. "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do."...........For they know not what they do.

These people are not to be hated. They are not to be torn down by us mentally. They aren't to be held accountable to us, or answer to us for anything that they've ever done. They are to be forgiven. They are to be loved. Because Love is not about us. It is about them. Its not about what they did to us, Its about what He has done for you.

So with that in mind, I pray Jesus that you pour out your blessings, Your Love, Peace, Prosperity, Hope, Joy, and Serenity on them. That from one person turning the other cheek, a door would be opened for you to change a heart, and a life. For from one heart being turned, you are able to change the face of a planet. Not with the ideals taught to us from a religious mindset. Not by any of our own means or plans, but God by your divine knowledge and love placed inside us by Your Holy Spirit, I pray these things.

In Nomeni Fili, Te Amor, Amen

All about Him, Not about You

Ever feel like modern day Christianity is all about you? What you should be doing, could be doing, what your life should look like, be like, feel like. Always being told what you need to do, and how God needs to be Your #1. Most importantly, how You need to love God, and love God more.

Yup. I've been there. I've done that, and I survived, thank God! One day I woke up to the realization, its not about me. It's not about what I can do, or what I can't do. It's not about me loving Him more, or Me doing things for Him, or Me doing anything at all. Except laying down my need to always be doing something, my need to be in control, my need to "get my life together now" or "shape up". Its not about me doing anything. Its about Him, doing everything in me and through me.

When I say Him doing things through me to, I'm not saying to just go do good deeds, and that's Him working through you (Though that does happen!), but usually you will do things on your own, out of the calling that He has put in your heart. Life then is run off of your Spirit, and not off your mind. You will no longer feel like you don't measure up, or feel like you aren't doing Gods will for your life if you pass up that opportunity to go out ministering this weekend. It's not about you. It's about Him.

God is more than capable of taking care of His people, and the audacity that we have to assume that God needs us to complete His will. Admittedly, God uses people in this world, but whether or not you are Used by God has nothing to do with your level of spirituality, or how close of a relationship with Him that you have. God uses some people in certain ways, others in other ways. So long as you are following the calling in your heart, you are doing exactly what God wants you to do.

Even as I use the word "doing" I am reminded how much Christian society revolves around how much we "Do" as Christians, and how frustrated I get when I'm judged because my lack of doing. There is a time and place for everything, and making people do something that their heart really isn't in, is counter productive. The same thing is true when people have problems or issues that they haven't been able to overcome yet. We label them, and call them out....I really don't know when that has done a lot of good. You have to Love people through their problems and issues. I do think that there is a time when God will tell you to let someone Go, and you have to do that, but you as a believer will know when those moments arrive for yourself.

But everything that you end up doing, is God doing it through you, not you doing it. Not by your Will, Or your Might, or your Parents Might for you.......Its Not about You doing ANYTHING EVER.....Its about Him. Him doing things IN you. Not you Doing things for Him. Its about how much He Loves You, not how much You love Him. Its about How He Heals and Makes You Whole, not about How you followed these 12 biblical steps and are now free.

There is a difference, if only a small one sometimes, between Religion and Spiritual Freedom. Religion has law, and the law is about Me. Freedom has Love, and Love is about Him.

Innocence of Pure Love

This is usually the time of year that people think about what they are thankful for, who they're thankful for, etc... I started thinking the other day about the most memorable moments of my life. The ones that are good, the ones that are bad, the ones that mold me into who I am, and those that are simply just moments that I remember.

I had someone ask me recently if I had a favorite memory, and what it was. And it was weird because you would think that I would have to think about it really hard, break my life down into categories or something like that. But my favorite memory just came to me. I knew it was a memory to this day that I still hold and cherish, but I didn't know it was so amazing to me.

My favorite memory is actually a memory I have while I was with my first girl friend. We weren't dating at the time, but we both knew that we liked each other and that things were progressing towards a relationship. Anyways, we were both on the set committee for Drama, and so were our siblings. and a few other people. Well we were building these MASSIVE trees for the set that year. They were literally 12 feet or so high, maybe 4 feet wide at the base and 6 feet wide at the top because of "branches". And we were making 6 of these I believe.

Well we would spend all day each saturday at my girlfriends house because her and her sister lived out in the country and they had lots of room for this project. Also because her mom volunteered there house for this escapade! :-P So one of these Saturdays that we were out there, the trees were being sanded, put together, and coming along just beautifully. Well her Mom came out with ice creams bars, ice cream Popsicle, fudge bars, and all kinds of good stuff. Well everyone except me and her grabbed an ice cream bar, but we both grabbed a fudge bar. So the rest of the set crew quickly consumed their treats and were back to work. Well we were still eating our fudge bars, but had to end up eating them while we worked. So our head set guy needed us to lift up one of the trees so it could be assembled correctly, Me and Tabby were the only ones available to lift, cause everyone else had to assemble the tree.

This presented an interesting situation, because there was no place to set down our fudge pops because there was saw dust everywhere. So we had the bright idea, we will just put them in our mouths and hold them there because this should only take a minute..... A minute is a long time whenever you have fudge bar melting in your mouth let me tell you. So we lift it up, and both look ridiculous because we have these chocolate bars in our mouths. We are looking up though and these fudge pops are melting down all over our faces, then we look over at each other with these huge smiles on our faces cause we both know how retarded we look. Well about the time that the chocolate was running down our necks, we got to set the tree down, and as soon as the tree was down, we both fell over on the ground and could not stop laughing. We laughed until we cried and went inside to get towels to wipe off of our faces.

It was so innocent, so pure, and was quite hysterical. It seemed to be a moment when we both realized how much we cared about each other, but from the outside you would never have guessed why.

I remember that moment so clearly. Literally like it was yesterday. I can't tell you how fondly I still look upon that memory even after everything that happened after it.

I do believe that is my favorite memory, and I look forward to the day where I can have a new one, with someone else I love :-)

The Great Taker of Things

Sometimes I feel like this is exactly how we view God. Like as soon as we want to have God do something in our lives, He sends the Holy Spirit to come snatch up all the things that we want in our lives, and takes all of our hopes and dreams and then we're just gonna be left with Us and God. Which as good little Christians, we will tell ourselves that we are fine with that, but deep down we aren't really. Cause what is left of ME if you take all of my hopes, dreams, and desires. To answer, probably not a lot, at least not a lot that you want to be involved with anyways.

But God is not The Great Taker of Things, He's the giver of all things. You need hope, love, joy, some peace maybe. He's constantly pouring out all of these things. Not like He's a giant vending machine, send up a prayer and a gift comes down. You don't have to do anything really to have Him shower you with these things. These are all Bi products of Him loving you and being your Daddy. Your Daddy loves you, and wants to shower you with praise and with Gifts. He absolutely LOVES it when you come and talk to Him, spend time with Him, and out of spending time with the creator of these Gifts, they just flow out from Him, and onto you. You can't help but having Joy, Peace, Love, and Hope whenever you have a genuine relationship with Him.

Its the same as when you spend time with someone who has Genuine Love for you. That Love transmits over to you, making you feel better about yourself, pulling you out of the gutter. As I grow in my Relationship with Christ, I learn either from Him, or from those who also listen to Him in my life, that living genuinely and positively impacts you and those around you in ways you can't even imagine.

So go out and love someone, Love yourself, Love your Creator, and out of your love for Him, Live your Life.

All About Love

Ever have those moments that truly make you smile from the depths of your heart? I only seem to have them, or at least notice that I'm having them, when It's in relation to seeing how much someone truly loves another person. Whether its when you seem to get a glimpse of Gods heart for another person, and you KNOW how much that person is loved by Love Himself, or when you yourself feel that love.

Had one of those moments today. There is One, or maybe Two people in this whole world who truly understand my heart, and where I am coming from. Even when I say uber outlandish things, and sound like a crazy person, they still see the heart behind it, and usually just nod their heads and smile. Usually I feel very loved when they do this. One, they know me well enough to understand the heart that is behind what I'm saying, and that heart is something that I know they treasure, just as I treasure their hearts. Sometimes that smile just means that they trust God enough to straighten me out when I have crazy person thoughts lol, but still love me enough to let God do the correcting, and not try and squash my dreams. :-) And for you who know my heart, It's very much appreciated.

But when you know someones heart that well, you could kinda describe what it looks like to someone else, Maybe not in so many words, but you could paint a fair picture. Well my Mother was the catalyst for one such moment today. I made my profile picture on facebook a Giant Robot with a bunch of guns. Someone said that It didn't look anything like me, and my mom said "He looks like that on the inside". Almost makes me want to cry :-D, for someone to know the way I am so much to be able to see the Facets of my heart, and my being in something as abstract as an anime character or machine......... You have to truly love someone beyond humanities comprehension to know someones heart that way.

So thank you Mommy for Loving me, and Thank you for raising me in such a way that I can now walk in the freedom of life and love that you do, and know the source of it in such an intimate way, I'm not sure that I could truly put Him into words.